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hey this is Leo for actualised org and in this video I want to talk about how to forgive someone all right let's talk about how to forgive someone how do you go about forgiving people in this video what I really want to do is I want to make a important distinction that most people don't understand about forgiveness and this distinction is the distinction between true forgiveness on the one hand and half-hearted forgiveness on the other most people they don't do true forgiveness they do have Hardy forgiveness and the difference is very stark if you do true forgiveness and you give the relationship a new clean slate to work on up from if you don't do that if you do have Hardy forgiveness and actually what you're doing is you're toxifying the relationship even further so we're gonna get into the details of that distinction and we're also going to talk about how do you actually go about and forgive someone and let it stick make it stick within you and we'll talk about some of the different situations in which you might want to forgive people all right so let's crack into that the first thing that we should probably talk about is the different situations in which you might want to forgive someone so these are things like cheating and lying abuse whether emotional or physical or verbal hurtful remarks that people tell you fits of anger and fighting that you have with people just wrong behavior in general of any sort people wronged you in some way and you feel like you're slided you're offended harm was done to you and therefore forgiveness is now required at least if you want to maintain that relationship so in all these situations you might really want to develop a good forgiveness ability because if you do not know how to forgive people then that means that your relationships are fragile because in a relationship if you really want to maintain a relationship with somebody for a long period of time maybe for the rest of your life then invariably things will happen people will make mistakes you'll make mistakes they'll make mistakes that's going to happen so if you want to have some sort of skill that will allow you to weather those mistakes whether those storms in an important relationship of yours then forgiveness is the tool that you can use to patch that up so you can keep the relationships going otherwise your relationships will end and that's probably not what you want so these are the situations now what's this distinction between half-hearted and true forgiveness true forgiveness is the following here's kind of the definition of it forgiveness is letting go and forgetting two components let go and forget see the problem is that most people they just they just think it's the one component let go they let go but they don't forget and they keep pondering and ruminating about the wrong that was done to them they keep keeping that thing alive it's kind of like a scab you have a scab on your arm a wound is healing over now you've got a scab and you keep picking at it all the time you keep picking at a time it's going to fester and it's going to become worse and worse and worse that's exactly what's happening if you're doing this how hard it forgiveness thing if you're doing a true forgiveness then you're letting the situation go and you're deciding to move on from it you're creating a clean slate you're not looking back into the past you're not living and reliving those moments the past doesn't stay with you the past only stays with you to the extent that you're reliving it again and again and again so it feels like the past is really stuck and it feels like right now you need to forgive someone but you just can't or maybe you forgave in somebody a long time ago but you keep rehashing that thing in your mind you haven't really forgiven them and you keep rehashing it but that's an activity that you're doing if you stop doing that then you would have had true forgiveness see the problem is that when you do a half-hard forgiveness it also becomes self righteous forgiveness self righteous forgiveness what does that mean well that means that you're proud of yourself for being this noble person for forgiving another person and so now it's like you're keeping score it's like you've got this little scorecard and you're saying yep plus one for me I'm the noble one in this relationship I'm unlike the good one there the bad one and so when you do this you elevate yourself you put yourself on a pedestal now you're on this pedestal you've got this air of superiority and you're holding the score scorecard over that person's head so anytime that person does something else that might disturb you or bother you you can always kind of like just give them the look or give her the look and kind of point at your scorecards mm-hmm remember this time right here when I forgave you for all that for all that stuff you've done see if you do that what do you think that's doing in your relationship the point of forgiveness is that you can set us a clean slate and then move forward if you're doing the self righteous thing where you're proud of yourself for doing this forgiveness then actually you're doing is you're building up this ego about it and it's creating more toxicity see insides creating a sort of layer a layer that runs and under your whole relationship of resentment this can look at like this passive-aggressive thing that you're doing where you forgiving that person but you've only really forgiven them in name only inward inside you haven't really forgiven because you're always thinking about it it's always coming back up for you and in some sort of either major way or some sort of more probably subtle ways you're holding it against them and it's creating more and more dysfunction so there is no clean slate that's being created it's not what you want that's not the point of forgiveness you have to forget the wrong forget the wrong that that person did to you and that is something that's a decision that you have to make it's a decision right and it doesn't mean that you forgive everybody for everything that's not what I'm saying here I'm not saying that you become a doormat I'm not saying that if someone let's say cheats on you in a nice long committed relationship someone cheats on you and then you are upset about it and now you feel like you have to forgive them and that you have to tolerate that that's not what I'm saying I'm saying that if somebody cheats on you and you have a boundary that they really craw and your values have really been damaged and you don't feel like this is reparable then don't forget that person you can enforce your boundary and break the relationship off or do whatever you got to do but if you feel like you can repair it if you feel like there is still something valuable here that can be salvaged if you feel like that person is honestly regretful about their actions and if you feel like that person can change and won't make the same mistakes in the future and you feel like this relationship can still go on and there's a lot of good that can come from it then you can make a choice this is a conscious choice that you make to forgive that person now if you make that choice what's important here is that it's not really a it's not really a pact between you and them it's a pact between you and you what you're telling yourself here is that okay this relationship I see that there's good in it yes this person did wrong I'm really unsatisfied about it but there's still something good and I think that this can be repaired and I'm willing to work through it okay so I've gotten there now what I want to do is I want to predict that person and I really want to forgive him or her and that means that I am making a promise to myself to let this go right now and to never think about it again see this is a promise you make between you and you the other person has nothing to do with it because really to forgive someone takes a lot of strength and inner courage who's going to happen is that this letting go part that's something you do right now but then you also need to forget the forgetting part can be difficult because your mind will just keep getting a hit and you'll keep thinking and you'll keep visualizing about these wrongs that were done to you you're going to be living in the past so this will happen and what you're gonna have to do is you have to summon courage and fortitude to stay on track with your original promise right you made a promise yourself that you're not going to go there anymore so anytime this stuff comes in into your mind just randomly you have to tell yourself you know what I said no and you have to say no that takes strength to do that if you're not willing to do that and you just give into every instance of this thing flashing in your mark and your brain then what's going to happen is that toxicity is going to develop and you create this revengeful type of forgiveness revengeful right where you forgive someone but you're still having angst about it you're still ruminating about it you're kind of seething underneath and right now that might work that my whole thing's over for a little while but eventually is going to happen is that is going to build and build and build and build it's going to be like pressure in a pressure cooker and then eventually that thing is going to burst so your relationship will will go very sour and in the meantime before your relationship completely explodes it's going to get tainted slowly because on the inside you're going to be getting tainted right you're going to be feeling passive-aggressive and you're going to be feeling resentful and that negativity it's going to creep into all sorts of different areas within your relationship so that's something if you really want to avoid that then you really want to do a true forgiveness right and that just means like oh you have the option to let it go right now the only question is do you want to you have to decide whether your boundary was really crossed in a way that's not reparable or maybe someone really crossed your boundary in such a way that you don't want to forgive them in which case then don't I'm not saying that you have to a lot of these ideas I'm bringing to you from national Maltz as brilliant book psycho-cybernetics it's not really a book about forgiveness but he has this one little short segment in there just a couple of pages that talking about forgiveness and very poignant ideas so this is a quote that I'm taking for him here's what he says is true forgiveness true forgiveness is when you realize that you have no reason to hate or to judge the other person in the first place you have no season two hate or judge that person in the first place now you might think that you do have reason this to live this idea to live this quote you have to summon something within yourself you have to be Noble you have to be strong it to be courageous this is kind of like a higher value that you're living by and you can live by it if you want to so this is an option for you if you've been struggling with forgiveness and this is something that you might want to think about really think about how you want your relationships in the future to go how you might want to be using forgiveness as a tool to help you patch over problem areas in your relationships whether you really want this or not and the next point that I'm going to make probably the last about forgiveness here is that really the problem with forgiveness and having difficulty with it is all about being stuck in the past I actually have another great video letting go of the past you might want to check that out where actually take you through a whole exercise to drop the past it's pretty cool most people really like it so I'm going to link that below you can check that out but see for me personally I rarely have problem with forgiveness because it's almost like I don't care like if someone doesn't wrong to me it's hard for me to hold a grudge against them like I just tend to let it go because and this is it's not because like I've got these special techniques or mindsets that I'm running on myself no it's just because I'm very future-oriented like I've got so many big plans for my life I've got my life purpose that I'm that I'm living I've got like big dreams and ambitions for my business I've got big ideas for the kinds of relationships I could be and the kinds of friends I could have you know new people I could interact with and just like everything I want to be doing with my life that to look back into the past like I don't have time for it I don't have the energy for I don't have the desire for I mean why if you're sitting there you're always ruminating about the past so much and all these wrong things that this person has done to you and how they keep screwing up and all this stuff I mean honestly the only reason you're doing that is because you don't have a forward direction in your life you need to have forward momentum when you have forward momentum a lot of this little petty stuff just melts away but when you're just like sitting you've got really no purpose to your life you've got no motivation you've got no goals of your own that you're out there accomplishing then your life's not really about anything and when your life's not about anything then you're sitting still and when you're sitting still you're sinking it's literally like that you're sinking when you're sitting still because your mind it will still churning no matter what the question is is your mind going to turn on like important problems that you're solving your business or your career or in something else that you're doing in your life positive things is your mind working to create or is your mind just sitting idly and then what it happens to happen is that your mind just starts to ruminate and it starts to look inside it starts to have all these sorts of negative thoughts all these idle gossipy thoughts plots that are petty thoughts that are not creating anything positive in the world and so if you're having all those thoughts all the time it's going to be very hard for you to honestly forgive somebody it's going to be very hard for you to let go of the past so the the core solution to this I would say is start to develop a sense of own purpose your own purpose in life a sense of life purpose a sense of mission when you're out and about doing that stuff then the pettiness will melt away because people will do negative things to you people won't still wronged you but you won't really care so much you won't care so much and that's a beautiful place to be because then it's very easy to forgive honestly if someone wrongs me I forget it about the next day I've got too many things to worry about that's what I want for you that's where you got to be right of course with a very big transgression but that might be a little harder that's where you employ the technique that I gave you earlier but in general it's still gonna be easier for you to get over that transgression even if it's very major if you've got something else that you're creating in your life all right this is Leo I'm signing off this is how to forgive someone go ahead and make a decision right now be decisive decide right now if you want to forgive them or her do it commit to it and never look back that's the solution all right I'm signing off go ahead post me your comments down below also if you like this video click the like button so it spreads around and it shows up higher on YouTube click the like button right now and share it - throw it on Facebook or wherever you like to share stuff and then I'm going to send you to actualized org check out my newsletter it's a free newsletter I'm releasing it every week new articles new videos goodies exclusive stuff only to my subscribers that can be found there and really I'm bringing you everything that I've learned about how to master yourself I want you to have a 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